Eric Chreshward

Black Jewels thoughts

2009-05-21T19:31:08Z

I've been around the gaming forums for Anne Bishop's Black Jewels Trilogy, and there seems to be a lot of repetitive hodge-podge when it comes to most of those sites. It's just a bunch of girls pretending to be Warlord Princes or hoping they can play their same character over and over and over again on all ninety of the sites out there. No offense to any of you girls who are reading this, but it's true. There are, on the uphand, a couple of sites that do Ms. Bishop some justice - like Jewels of the Blood. (http://icedragon02.proboards.com/index.cgi) This site is fantastic over all the others - hands down.

I had wanted to join the From White to Ebony site, but clearly people are too busy jerking off on their own lame ass characters, that they can't even give the right acknowledgement to the real stars of Terreille and Kaeleer. Sadly, that sentiment also goes to Anne Bishop, who has yet again botched her way through another book that needs to be burned. What the hell happened? The most powerful Witch in all the realms...opens a haunted house? My twelve year old neice could do better. Bishop should have stopped at the Trilogy, instead of making everyone suffer like she has.

*deep breath* Alright, I'm off to work and hopefully game on a site that's inspired me once again to game and write like it really should. I suggest to anyone who RPs, go pay a visit to the sites that matter! --Eric

Resolution

2009-01-03T00:35:38Z

Time has spread its wings
And started moving again
I keep slipping, trying to catch up
Yet my memories are dragging me back

Time flew by so…slipping from my tight grasp
Now the clock is ticking at last
Because it’s warning me, I can’t stay
I must move on toward the only way

And the times we’ve spent are fading away
Could we laugh together again like those days?
Just sit together, watching each other’s smile
With not a care in the word, nothing to defile

The chain of memories now rusting with time
And the weight of our laden sorrows
And the pillars of friendship of which we stand on
Do not ensure a bright tomorrow harrow

But those days, remain as clear as crystal
Because they mean the world to me
And I’d give my life, and all that comes along
To return those memories to where they belong.

Yet for now, lets enjoy what little time left
Because we haven’t left each other’s arms yet
Enmity and hypocrisy, lies and separation
Stand up! Rise against, turn away from the sensation

Now that the waves of reality come crashing down
What will you do? What choice will you make?
To cry until your tears run blood?
Is that your final resolution, after all we’ve been through?

Do u know how far we got, to reach where we are?
If my wings don’t work, I’ll run
If you disappear, I’ll move on
Because we’re all heading in the same direction

I ruffle your hair, and hold u up
Look you in the eye, and promise
That all the heavenly chains
And lures of sinful bliss
Will not turn me round

The long speech passed, the tears gone
Our goodbyes now dissolve into nothingness
And so now we begin to follow our own paths
Take yours with pride and no regrets
As I will mine

So don’t sigh, deciding which road to take
Don’t give up your dreams for mine.

But as I make my way I notice
That a trickle has found its way onto my cheek
That there is no escape from the pain
But at this I smile

Because I promise to myself, that the next time
Tears flow from my eyes,
It will be of undying joy, of bliss
when I’ll finally meet the ones I miss

But please don’t turn back
And call my name , for I fear I will waver
Ill miss you’re the comfort that comes with your voice

This is reality, reality is change

Change means growing up
And I want to “grow up” for the best
So that when our roads cross again,
I’ll be able to meet your gaze, and laugh

And say look how much weve grown!
And we’ll all laugh, and sit together again
Watching each other’s smiles

So ill strive to the ends of the world
Bending my will and strength to their limits
I’ll endure the empty days, the nagging loneliness
Because one day, we’ll meet again

And that’s all that matters.

For now, my memories are empty, waiting until that
Day for you to open them up
My memories of nobody

Will be waiting.

Fear

2008-10-04T21:54:55Z

Fear is a mongrel child -
Its slave coils like a snake in your belly,
Poised to strike out in a hot lash,
Too dense and tight to leave a scar
Beyond the brush of shadows.

It aches;
It cuts in clean ribbons
And stops the easy innocence
That lurks like a child
In the corner of your eye.

It burns;
It sits on the tongue
In acrid syllables
That scorch the dreams
Off of soft white bones
And strip the soul clean
Of artificial life.

It finds its prey in hollow sounds -
The skipped beat of frail hearts
The faint protests of random doubts
That haunt your world
In cold inches...

Somewhere I Belong...

2008-09-24T04:20:43Z

"Somewhere I Belong" by Linkin Park

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Repeat Chorus]

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

[Repeat Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

(Darn song got stuck in my head all day. I hope this helps.)

A Queen to Me

2008-08-24T15:30:04Z

It is at night
When sleep haunts
Across my eyes
And steals the rest
The comes with sundown
It is then that I miss
You the most
My bed is to wide
To ever be slept in
Unless we are side by side
Alone I'm lost
Across mattress and sheets and blankets
Sprawled
Unable to cross the
Distance
On an island
Stranded in my room
Stranded because you
Are not here to
Interrupt the space
So that it no longer
Matters
It no longer matters
That I'm confined
To the castle of a queen
moat and all
When I have you as my comforter

Sadness Lyrics

2008-07-01T14:14:41Z

Descending into the darkest chamber there,
I walked in quietly and sat in my chair.
I looked to the fire's empty flame,
and knew I would never be the same.

Just like a soft autumn breeze, it left me.
my feeling...my emotion...all are just empty.
I can't understand this...but I really don't care.
I'll just sit in my chair and into the fire I'll stare.

Lonesome silence dancing 'round me...
Confusion altering my mind to see...
My fears tingling beneath my skin...
I think I'll scream but I don't know when.

Crying...clawing...trying to escape
I worry I will never reach the gate
then nothing...I feel nothing now
like I have grown numb somehow

My world silenced...held still
leaving me here unable to feel
my cries for help go unheard
if only someone could hear a word.

Lost part of me

2008-06-19T17:18:20Z

It's like I'm searching through the dark
Hoping to find the soul that once dwelled inside me
It's like someone's taken over me
People seeing me happy, but really I'm breaking
It's like my heart doesn't beat anymore
I can't feel it beating, I can't hear it thumping
It's like my blood isn't pure
I can feel it come rushing out, but I feel no pain
It's like I've lost myself
My body taken over by someone else
It's like there's something wrong with me
The tears just won't stop coming down
It's like I'm hoping for something to happen
But nothing ever does and I'm just stuck here
It's like I'm waiting for a sign
It never comes it never does
It's like I'm smiling at everyone
Deep inside I know that I'm bleeding to death
It's like there's someone else standing in front of the mirror
But really it's just me, hair in wisps, tears falling
It's like I'm living in someone else's shoes
I'm breaking inside, but I'm always smiling

Desolate

2008-06-02T14:55:24Z

Empty fields,
fallen to dust.
Whispers on the wind,
of all that is forgot.
Silence, yet...
no solitude.
Memories of those before,
clinging to nothing.
Barren, forgotten.
Nothing more of what was before.
Empty, once filled gaps,
now, no more.
Of all that was, now is lost.
Feelings that never were.
A heart,
void of love.
There is nothing,
but silence,
but emptiness,
but....me...

Live it

2008-05-29T16:56:19Z

The sun will rise
Whether he wishes to or not
The moon will shine
False light radiating off her surface
You do your chores
You live your life
But do you do it out of your own will?

The sun will fall
Ending its reign
The moon will falter
Regretting its complaints
The least you could do
Is live your life
Before it’s ripped away

Enjoy it.
Embrace it.
Destroy it.
Live it.

Crimson streaks

2008-05-28T00:43:44Z

Crimson streaks along the walls
Dancing like fire sticks
Tell a tale of gruesome woe
That haunts the shadows
Like a ghostly grave

Tell me now, my crimson streaks
What troubled soul has hung you here
Painted you into a horrid mural
And whispered their pain to you
Like a silent scream

Crimson streaks along the walls
Slipping down from their place of stain
Hold my secrets in your grasp
Tightly and quietly as you do
Like a dead diary

Tell me now, my crimson streaks
Enlighten me of the struggles harsh
Can you not reveal your secrets pure
Please lead us to the deadly plot
Like a grudging guide

Innocence Lost

2008-05-25T20:58:25Z

Respect is something you have to learn.
All innocence lost.
For those who have not forgotten,
Where they came from.
The misconceptions of what should be,
A failed life, a torn past.
Living for one reason I've created,
My own destiny.
Countless cruelties bestowed upen me,
Freewill, what a novel idea.
Spend you lifelime living for something.
In the end it's all a lie.
Born just to die in a world of hate - I suffer.
Blood in blood out something go - beyond the grave.
Innocence lost.
Born just to die in a world of hate - I suffer.
Blood in blood out something go - beyond the grave.
Taught to believe.
The imperfections of this human lie.
On the inside the fire rage.
Throught my while existence.
Pour my heart out on this pad.
It does no good for me now.
At the same time, the afterlife doesn't seem so bad.
Born just to die in a world of hate - I suffer.
Blood in blood out something go - beyond the grave.
Innocence lost.
Born just to die in a world of hate - I suffer.
Blood in blood out something go - beyond the grave.
I've made my way, I'll have to deal.
With the fact that there is no changing.
My tomorrow forever.
Be altered by my yesterday.
Some things are meant to be.
If I could change it all I would do it.
In a heart beat.
In a heart beat.
In a heart beat.
One step a a time, I've fallen.
I've fallen too far behind.
Now I think I've lost my mind,
In the end it's all a lie

Fallen Grace

2008-05-25T20:56:42Z

I lived life faithfully, I dread each breath that I take.
I've found this path to nowhere,
No where hell I can't escape.
Someone save me from this dream,
Every morning that I wake,
I wish things could've been different,
Is there something that could be changed?
Reaching out the the heavens,
I see a falling sky.
Visions of blood red images fill my mind.
Reflecting on my life,
From the day I was born and how it all fell apart.
I never thought my life would be such a mess,
God please help me.
Everyday I'd live for what I'd like to know,
My life leading up to the end.
You said that I was your son,
But what son would have to suffer like this.
Is this my destiny,
I was chosen to be the shepherd of this land ?
Lead you all to the shining light, so serene,
Why have you chosen me?
Why not you, why not him, what prophecies,
Hold me above my head?
The preordained servant,
To show you love through death, I can't imagine this.
Here we sit, the last suffer, take this wine.
For this is my blood.
Here we sit, the last suffer, take this bread.
For this is my body.
Someone, save me from this dream.
Every morning that I wake,
I wish things could've been different,
Is there something that could be changed?
Is this my destiny,
I was chosen to be the shepherd of this land ?
Lead you all to the shining light, so serene,
Why have you chosen me?
Why not you, why not him, what prophecies,
Hold this above my head?
The preordained servant,
To show you love throught death, I can't imagine this.
This pain, for you, I suffer.
This pain, for you, I suffer.
This pain, for you, I suffer.

Not the Night

2008-05-24T15:10:09Z

Where I am taken
In the dead of night
Where my fears live
Where there is no light.

Here my demons roam
Here my mistakes lie
Here my faults run free
Where I’m scared I’ll die.

This is where I dream
When I lie asleep
By night, I’m haunted
Then, by day, I weep.

All day I’m afraid
Of what night will bring
If, tonight, I’ll dream
If my mind takes wing.

I worry and fret,
I obsess all day
Until night is near
Until, scared, I lay.

Sleep taunts and teases
Sleep does not come fast
Sleep beckons sweetly
I succumb at last.

I wait in darkness,
Wait for them to come
I wait in terror
I feel my heart drum

My nightmares emerge
And begin to pull
They whisper darkly
They want me, they call.

They creep up on me
I’m easy to find
Suddenly they grab
Grab me from behind.

In their grasp, I writhe
I twist, fight and scream
I have no hope here,
I can’t fight this dream.

To a place within
There my dreams take me
There I’m thrown to beasts
There I try to flee

Demons let me go
Then catch me right back
They toy with my mind
It’s mercy they lack.

They laugh at torture
Laugh as they torment
Their minds are twisted
Their humour is bent

Time loses meaning
I’m raped and beaten
My body’s sucked dry
My limbs are eaten

I see my past wrongs
Mistakes repeated
It is by myself
That I’m defeated

My demons depart
I’m broken and scarred
Every night to come
Peace, from me, is barred.

Floating in darkness
I’m nothing but this
Until day approaches
Light gives me a kiss

It may be day now
But night’s coming soon
Until then I wait,
dread the coming moon.

Can I never know
Joys of living free?
Will I ever sleep?
Nightmares, leave me be!

Chresh quiz

2008-05-24T00:24:01Z

A couple of weeks ago, I stumbled on my name on a DeviantArt page and became intrigued. Finding people who are Chresh interested me and so did their Queen's journal. She put out a quiz for people to take to see if they're a part of that culture, so I asked to take it to see if I fit in or not. I was told to be honest so here goes:

1. Do you often have headaches, migraines, or severe mental pain? This question is particularly important if you are female.
- Yes but usually only with weather changes or when something bad is about to happen.

2. Are you beset with nightmares or night terrors? Do you wake in the middle of the night, gasping or afraid and unsure of why? Do you ever wake knowing you have been dreaming something of vast importance but are unable to remember what it was?
- I wake up in sweats and usually remember my dreams quite vividly. Many of them even strangely come true like deja vu.

3. Do you ever have feelings you cannot explain, a form of instinct that is far more accurate than that of those around you?
- I do.

4. Do you ever wake with scratches, bruises, wounds, or aches that you cannot remember receiving?
- Yes, and I'm not a person that tosses and turns either. Sometimes I have rings or hand prints on my skin.

5. Do you ever hear a sharp ringing in your ears, that when you question those around you, they do not hear?
- Yes.

6. Are you particularly fond of the ocean or of thunderstorms, rain, clouds, lightening, or thunder?
- I love storms. I used to live on the coast and those are the best.

7. Do either of your hands ever throb, itch, turn red, or turn blotchy? Do you find yourself idly scratching the palm of your hands?
- My left hand usually aches when I want to write about something and my right hand itches when something bad is going to happen. I'm ambidextrous.

8. Do your bones ache as if burned from the inside out? This may center in wrists, joints, elbows, arm bones, or lower back.
- My wrists hurt and sometimes the inside skin turns into little red lines.

9. If female, is your (forgive the personal nature of this question) time of the month particularly violent or painful? Do you feel unusually weak and drained during it?
- Can't answer that. I'm a guy.

10. Do you have any severe food allergies? Do you favor any particular kind of food? Chinese, rare steaks, only greenery, etc?
- I'm allergic to shellfish sadly because it smells delicious. I'm mostly a vegetarian and like Asian cuisine

11. Are you often fevered or chilled and unsure why?
- Sometimes though I don't get sick often.

12. Have you ever seen things no one else can see?
                  Addendum to this- This can be anything from the list as follows-
                                                     "Yes, I see ghosts and demons."
                                                     "I saw things as a child, but I do not anymore."
                                                     "I often see shadows or movement in the corner of my eye but never anything clearly."
                                                     "I can tell when something is there, but I cannot actually ever make out what it is."
                                                     "I do not remember, but I feel that the answer to that question is yes."
- I can see things when I let my mind unfocus, but when I try to see them clearly they're gone.

13. Have you ever dreamed of the future? This can be anything from severe deja-vu to exact visions of what will occur, whether you realize at the time or only after the event has actually occurred.
- I do have a lot of deja vu, almost daily or weekly.

14. Are you ever aware your family or friends or someone close to you is in danger although you are not with them at the time? Have you ever known someone needed you, such as knowing they were upset and calling them only to find out you were right?
- Yes and its led to some very bad things happening that I should have stopped.

15. Do you know who is on the phone or contacting you online, etc, before you answer?
- Sometimes but I'm not online or on the phone too often.

16. Do you have a strong feeling that you are meant for something other than a normal life, something important, that someone or something somewhere is waiting for you? Needing you?
- I do and that may be why I found the Chresh when I was looking up dark poetry online.

17. Were you unpopular during school? Outcaste or simply... unusual?
- I'm unusual. I have different colored eyes and a strange blue tint to my hair so I wasn't very popular in school.

18. Do you ever have the feeling that you were meant to serve someone? In particular, have you ever had dreams of a female you were meant to find and protect? If so- did you see what she looked like or anything specific about her?
- I used to have dreams about a girl with black hair and kind eyes and she would look after me, and I wanted to make her happy. One day I met her and she saved my life, getting herself killed in the process. I've never been the same and keep having dreams about her still.

19. Although this, again, is personal, we ask for honesty- do you have or have you ever had suicidal impulses?
- The day I discovered my name on that site I was contemplating it, yes.

20. Have you been diagnosed with any mental illnesses- from mood swings to bi-polar disorder, OCD, ADHD, etc?
- Only depression

21. Do you find it difficult to focus without your hands moving- ie, did you doodle during class when listening to your teachers? if so, were they ever unusual drawings- swirling dark patterns, eyes, shadowy figures, symbols?
- Yes and I'm always drawing little symbols that look Japanese or ancient...something. I have a tattoo on my back that I drew once when I was a boy but I don't know what it really means.

22. Have you ever zoned our whilst listening to a subtitled movie and discovered part way through that you weren't reading the subtitles? Did it stop after you noticed you were doing it?
- Sort of when I was watching an old Japanese movie but I think I was just tired.

23. Did you have an imaginary friend as a child that was, perhaps, more real to you than it "should have been" according to human custom?
- Her name was April and her sister was May. May didn't like me but April was a kind person to me.

24. Do your eyes ever ache or burn, especially behind your eyes?
- All the time but I read a lot so that doesn't help.

25. Are you fond of martial arts, archery, or any other form of more severe fitness? You need not actually _do_ any of the sports, although we'd like to know if you are involved in one- it can manifest as something as simple as watching Jet Li movies voraciously.
- I know kung fu and karate thanks to my uncle and Jet Li is incredible to watch.

26. Humor us for a moment and form a circle in your hand, as though holding a hilt there in your palm. Close your eyes and simply breathe- does the position feel right to you? Does it feel as though something belongs there... or maybe you can actually feel the ghost of its presence in your hand?
- I always feel like there should be something in my hand and when I learned how to use a staff and sword my uncle said I was a natural.

27. Do you ever hear voices in your head? Or catch yourself listening to music that vanishes as soon as you realize you were hearing it? Have you ever turned your head as though to capture a whisper, only to find no one there?
- I wake up to a woman's voice sometimes and I think its that girl. Somtimes I think she's humming to me when I'm meloncholy.

28. Have you ever woken, feeling as though you were not alone? Was it malelovent or frightening, or comforting and safe? Was it across the room or did you wake to feel as if you were being held?
- I feel safe and held on many mornings but then there are sometimes when I think something is trying to kill me. I wake up to those with bruises and scratches on my body.

29. At any point in your life, have you come out of sleep to see a dark shadow standing in the corner of the room, watching you? Did it feel as though they were taking note that you woke, that you noticed them there? Could you actually see them or did you simply know they were there?
- It wasn't in the corner but rather hovering over me and it vanished when I spoke.

30. Are you ever vastly thirsty or absolutely starving, and nothing... _nothing_ can satisfy it?
- Usually thirsty. I can drink like a fish.

31. Have you ever found yourself crying and had no idea why?
- I can't answer that honestly and keep my masculinity intact.

32. Do you ever know what people around you are feeling- if they are upset or angry, sad or happy, without any visible clues that would have informed you?
- Sometimes its like I just know and I don't have to be in the same room. I can call a friend and know they're happy or sad.

33. Do you ever have a "bad feeling" about something or someone without knowing why?
- Too often.

34. Do you ever know what people are thinking, either because you can flat out hear them or because you just _know_?
- I always wondered if I had ESP.

35. Do you ever have trouble reading, speaking, or understanding English?
- Strangely yes and that's my first language. Again it might just be because I'm tired

36. Are you attracted to other languages, such as Japanese, Latin, or Gaelic?
- I've been teaching myself all three of those actually and French.

37. Do you favor a particular kind of movie? For example, here is list of movies- point out any that appeal to you greatly.
                                                    Star Wars, especially Return of the Jedi (addendum, does the scenery of Naboo, Coruscant, Endor, etc                                                                seem familiar? If so, which worlds?)
                                                    Pitch Black and Chronicles of Riddick
                                                    Lord of the Rings, any of them
                                                      Serenity
                                                    Advent Children
                                                      Troy
                                                    The Matrix Trilogy, particularly the first one and the Animatrix
                                                      Chronicles of Narnia, both of them
                                                    300
                                                    Blade
                                                    MirrorMask
                                                    Waterworld
                                                      The Mummy
                                                    Queen of the Damned (despite it not matching the book)
                                                    League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
                                                    Van Hellsing
                                                      Harry Potter, any of the movies
                                                      Alexander
                                                    Kingdom of Heaven
                                                    V for Vendetta
                                                    Boondocks Saints
                                                    Pirates of the Caribbean, any of them
                                                    Interview with a Vampire
                                                    Resident Evil, any of them
                                                    Sin City
                                                    Underworld and Underworld: Evolution
                                                    Hellboy
                                                    Tomb Raider
                                                    Superhero Movies (Batman, Superman, etc)
                                                    (there are many more, so feel free to list any movie you feel really, really drawn to that is included in the list)

- I went to look and I own almost all of those movies and love them all.

38. Do you favor any animes or television shows? For example, here is a list of them- point out any that appeal to you greatly.
                                                    Anime-
                                                      Gundam Wing
                                                    Blood Plus
                                                    Escaflowne
                                                    Hellsing (more for males than females)
                                                      The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya
                                                    Rosen Maiden
                                                      Full Metal Alchemist
                                                    Fruits Basket
                                                    Fushigi Yuugi (despite Miaka being annoying)
                                                    Weiss Creuz
                                                    Angel Sanctuary
                                                    Bleach (if male, if you're female it probably gives you a headache when they slide in the Soul Society)
                                                    Gunslinger Girl
                                                    X: 1999
                                                      Trigun
                                                    Ghost in the Shell
                                                    Ouran Host Club

- I have some anime but not the more 'girly' ones.

                                                    Regular Television Shows-
                                                    Smallville
                                                    Firefly
                                                    Angel
                                                    Roswell
                                                    Charmed (addendum- Queen herself did not like this, lesser Queens did, we weren't sure we should                                                                 include it)
                                                    Buffy: The Vampire Slayer
                                                    Batman and Superman, the Animated Adventures
                                                    Invasion: America
                                                    Stormhawks (favored by Queen, not by Chresh)

- I haven't seen Stormhawks but I like all the others. Along with Heroes and Lost.

39. Are you particularly fond of any video games or books, from the lists as follows?
                                                     Video Games-
                                                     World of Warcraft
                                                     Final Fantasy, any of them
                                                     Kingdom Hearts
                                                     Soul Caliber
                                                     Mortal Kombat
                                                     Devil May Cry
                                                     Diablo

- I do have all of them and play them frequently.

                                                     Novels-
                                                     Black Jewels Trilogy, Anne Bishop novels in general such as Belladonna or Sebastian
                                                     Good Omens
                                                     Anita Blake Series
                                                     Star of the Gaurdians Series
                                                     The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice, up to Merrick but ending there
                                                     books by Mercedes Lackey, especially "The Last Herald Mage" series
                                                     classics from authors such as: Poe, Kahlil Gibran, Shakespeare, Wilde, Bronte, Dumas, etc.

- I just started reading the Black Jewels Trilogy after Pillars of the World. All the others are very good and in my collection too. I particularly love Poe.

40. Do you ever dream of fighting, endless war on a battlefield? More specifically, anything from a dream of battle to something more descriptive... a stretched landscape of scarred, pitted earth, a few plants straggling strangling from the rocky soil, soaking in blood beneath a rolling, storm laden acid green sky?
- I do and often don't wake up for hours long after my alarm clock has gone off.

41. Do you want to be a hero... do you watch movies and television shows where the characters are passionate, loyal, intense.. and suffering? Where people give their lives for something they believe in?
- I hate to see people suffering and I know that sometimes fighting is the only way to gain peace. I learned to fight because of that.

42. Do you ever catch yourself looking at the world around you, questioning why people don't believe in honor anymore? Why friendship has no meaning, why everything is so shallow? Do you long for something deeper, people that are brothers and family that would not only die for you but live beside you?
- I don't have any more family and often wondered if people had a sense of honor and meaning that they might still be with me.

43. In all the novels and movies, etc, mentioned above, were there any particular characters that appealed deeply to you? Why?
                                                 Examples-
                                                 Jaenelle, Saetan SaDiablo, Daemon, Surreal, Lucivar (BJT)
                                                 Lestat, Louis (Interview)
                                                 Vanyel (Last Herald Mage)
                                                 Haji and Saya (Blood Plus)
                                                 Duo, Quatre, Heero, Trowa, or Wufei (Gundam)
                                                 Aziraphale or Crowley (Good Omens)

- My ex-girlfriend used to nickname me Quatre, but I often feel like Wufei. I learned to play the cello after seeing Haji in Blood+

44. Do you ever dream of flying? Do you feel as though you have flown at some point?
- If I had super powers, it would be to have wings and fly endlessly over an open valley.

45. When you were a child, did things ever happen when you were angry- a thunder strike, lights flickering, televisions refusing to work? Did things ever move into your hands? Did toys move around your room on their own? Did you have a stuffed animal that seemed to be alive?
- When I ever did throw tantrums my mom said that glass things would break or shatter.

46. Does the weather ever seem affected by your mood? Does it rain when your sad, storm when you are angry, does the wind pick up when you're upset?
- I think mine is the other way around like when it rains I want to cry for the beauty of it.

47. Do you ever, if female, feel in danger when you walk alone?
- No woman should have to be afraid but that's only in a world where there's still chivalry and honor.

48. Are you, if male, very, _very_ protective of your girlfriends or other female companions?
- I have driven off two girlfriends because I was very protective. I always wanted to walk them home and teach them how to fight just in case I wasn't there.

49. Do you have any homosexual tendencies?
- Not really. I don't care if someone's gay because that's they're choice.

50. We are going to describe a few bits of scenery to you. After you read each one, we ask that you close your eyes and relax, not only trying to picture them, but seeing as well if you have ever dreamed of them before... if they feel familiar, if they feel like home, etc. Be _very_ specific about which ones, if any, ring any bells.

                                               First One-
                      You are standing in the midst of a dark and inky landscape. The air is a mixture of the coolness of a long and permanent night and the cloying, wet heat of the world it lasts on. There is no sun in the sky. There never will be. The rustling of the sparse grass is disturbing and nearly predatory. Before you, in the center of a vast and mirror like lake, looking like polished obsidian covered in shimmering black ink, rises a tower of polished opaque crystal, gleaming like black glass even in the murky dimness of the starless expanse. You are very near the beginning of the water, which moves hardly at all, the ripples disturbingly regular, even in the stiff breeze that smells of blood. You know there is a way across to the open doors, nearly three or four stories high, but you also know that the smooth round stones that could lead you safely across are nearly identical in color to the water, and sitting a few centimeters below its surface. You also know that if you were to slip, to lose your way, or to fall into the water... you will die a very painful death.

                                              Second One-
                             You are in the midst of a rolling field of nearly chest high grass, the color of which is nigh impossible to pin down or describe, constantly shifting as it is in the light of an acid green sky... turning first silver, then grey, then vibrant amethyst that fades to dusky purple before brown, then gold, then the glow of emerald before it dance back again, rolling like the ocean in the hot wind that carries the scent of rain, storm and silver, brine and blood, smoke and incense so thick you can taste it, cloying and clinging to the back of your throat. The grass is sharp, razored on each side by tiny little thorns that can strip flesh from blood. Here and there, where the grass is sparse, you can see tiny pink and white blossoms at its roots. Above you in the roiling clouds, thick with coming lightning, you can hear the distant sound of laughter, whooping voices in the din. There is but a single tree, standing where the warped landscape starts to turn to sharp shale and the grass begins to thin. It is severely twisted, as if wind has moved it this way and that in the centuries it has stood, the bark worn black and smooth by the oil of many hands and many years. Again, the sound of slithering motion in the grass is frightening, speaking of violent death and messy wounds, and yet... is somehow comfortable, familiar. Home.

                                                 Third One-
                                Now you stand in the midst of a glittering metropolis, rising towards a thin blue sky in towering spires of shimmering, steel and opalescent buildings, rounded and futuristic to human eyes, glinting with millions of lights like fireflies or many eyes. Bridges connect the tall structures, arching beautifully across open space between each immense high rise, the fall a breathtaking and vertigo inspiring three hundred stories, interrupted by cloud cars and more pathways, all of them intricately carved of white and grey marbles and glistening metals. In the center of many of these are glowing balls of energy, trapped within energy that shimmers sapphire, azure, rose quartz, or blinding white, to which a system of metal tubing is attached, taking power to all levels of the city.

                                                  Fourth One-
                               You see an opalescent, coruscating palace before you, domes and walls carved of something that shines like diamond beneath a blue green star, despite the heavy layers of clouds and storm that filter the light down in absinthe colored waves, moving off its surface in rainbows that dance across the shimmer of moisture in the permanently rain drenched air. The path before it goes for miles between the rolling hills of an emerald and jade green expanse of lawn, white and gold marble streaked with glittering bits of pink, black, and crimson glowing like bone and abalone against the intense verdant leafs of grass. Alabaster pillars threaded with lapis lazuli and gold grace either side, crawling with blue, pink, and silver roses in intricate patterns of long, deadly thorns and lush, fertile leaves. The only darkness in the landscape is the single tower that rises, high above the large dome of the main building, to the left of the dazzling, splendid palace. It's roof is sharp and pointed, Tim Burton-esque, shale and graphite against crystal gone shady, murky and almost disturbingly dark in comparison to the brilliance of its surroundings. A huge balcony sweeps around the top of the tower, near it's apex, and it is there that the Queen rests, forever watchful. You know you have come here to serve her.

                                                 Fifth One-
                               You are in the center of a crowded city, a mix of metal and wood and wrought iron, of rust and dirt and progress, of neon and steam. Many, many layers, nearing a thousand, each built on the wreckage of the one beneath it- if you descend into the lower city, you meet noxious fumes and deadly foes. If you ascend upwards, the crowd becomes snobbish and judgmental, the caste system of location rigid and unbreakable. The spaceport reeks of wine and filth, sake and hot noodles, spices and sweat. The people pushing through its din are of every race and color, unbelievable diversity, costumes of every ilk from trader and smuggler to royalty in rich Asian robes of beautifully patterned brocade. The noise is... nearly unbearable, but somehow never reaches the level of shrill. Dancing beats from dark smoky clubs mingle with the flutes and bells of merchants attracting customers, the jingle of gypsy skirts, the thundering take-off of ships, and the sounds of voices speaking a hundred tongues... somehow all tangle together into something pleasant, nearly beautiful, and very... very alive.

- I have had dreams like these and if you ever get to see my drawings or paintings then you'll see I'm telling the truth. I always wondered if they were from a previous life or a life yet to come.

Whew!

chreshward @ 2008-05-23T14:50:00

2008-05-23T19:59:08Z

I'm not really good at these things. Knowing that someone's going to be reading the thoughts that I put down, it just makes me nervous. I was told by someone to have an account so my anonymity didn't scare people away. sorry again about that. I'm more of a people person, you know? Face to face. I work in a book store downstairs of my apartment. I read a lot and watch movies and write. I like to draw and want to work at the tattoo place across the street once I'm done with college and my apprenticeship. Otherwise, I'm not sure what else to put here. Maybe I'll think of something later. -Eric